Its been a while since i've written my diary. I keep getting far too distracted. partly with studies, partly with my social life... and indeed, my love life.
K and myself... its a big thing for me. But i love him. Adore him, in fact, and he will give me a baby. i told him that i wanted one, and he agreed. part of me wants to sob that i left it as long as i did. Curse society for disapproving of us if we were to become more... open.
Not only is there him, there is another who claims to love me. A young major. has his own share of scandals. he says he adores me too, will fight for me, i wonder if he'd do the same for a child of mine... one that might be implied as his? it doesnt matter. K will keep me safe. i trust him. The new one... well, i like him. he's a decent sort, and a good fuck, he reminds me a lot of myself, but whether i'd want to marry someone so similar to me... no matter.
my cousin Andrei arrived in the village. i will be hoping to introduce him to the order, and hopefully K will approve. Andrei will have a lot to offer, i only hope he manages to keep his temper for long enough to resist trying to blast people to pieces or something similar.
befriended a spirit, and now it lives in my reflection. Cashlin. Its a vain, spiteful, simple minded little thing, and it adores blood. Ive been feeding it when i can, and it seems to be hunting ducks when it can too... i certainly hope it doesnt start snatching anyone else. K has a spirit now too, a stalker that i gave birth to. it was painful, but ill give more than that for him if he wanted it
next time i write, i might be with child... i cant help but be pleased. My lion...
Monday, 18 March 2013
Sunday, 27 January 2013
10~ musings...
you know, i think i might have to admit to myself that A isnt coming back.
i wonder if sometimes my mannerisms prevent the people that could be good to me from getting close. Or maybe i should have been more aggressive in my pursuit of him? if i'd have just thrown myself at him, would i be in different happier circumstance now? uvall would know, i suppose....but i couldnt very well ask him. K would disapprove of my using my mirror for such frivolity im sure.
its... hard. awkward. i dont think i quite know how to handle this. ive never had anyone resist me so fervently, and with him just... going. its. hurtful. ive had everything ive pursued before now, i cant.. understand it. i should get back to my studies. focus on being productive instead of weeping into my pillow.
i must be softening in my age. one day, perhaps. perhaps its the dreaded L word sticking into my guts. typical.
This is why i cant stand getting close to people. if i ever let anyone else close again. in my weakened state, i might end up even tolerating the little lordling.
i wonder if sometimes my mannerisms prevent the people that could be good to me from getting close. Or maybe i should have been more aggressive in my pursuit of him? if i'd have just thrown myself at him, would i be in different happier circumstance now? uvall would know, i suppose....but i couldnt very well ask him. K would disapprove of my using my mirror for such frivolity im sure.
its... hard. awkward. i dont think i quite know how to handle this. ive never had anyone resist me so fervently, and with him just... going. its. hurtful. ive had everything ive pursued before now, i cant.. understand it. i should get back to my studies. focus on being productive instead of weeping into my pillow.
i must be softening in my age. one day, perhaps. perhaps its the dreaded L word sticking into my guts. typical.
This is why i cant stand getting close to people. if i ever let anyone else close again. in my weakened state, i might end up even tolerating the little lordling.
Saturday, 26 January 2013
9~ to see the future....
Ive been practicing scrying as of late, and i'm beginning to think i have quite a knack for it.
Met a man who has the same eyes as me. ive never met another with eyes like mine, perhaps he's a relative of my fathers side. Still, it didnt stop proceedings as usual, and while he certainly thinks highly of himself, i have a regular visitor who puts him by far to shame.
K has been spending far more time overnight, its a little hard to get used to having someone staying over at night but its not... unpleasant. i ought to be careful, ii keep softening around him,i'm going to let myself in for a lot of heartache. Not seen A. he spends so much time away, i think i'm already going to have a few tears to shed. no doubt he's already married.
K told me he'd fucked a gypsy girl that had been fucked by a wolf. its interesting, i might have to try and ...encourage her to conceive a homonculus. i put the idea to K. Maybe, maybe he'll let me take care of it? a sweet, monstrous little demon creature for me to raise. I told him i dont have time for babies of my own, and it near broke my heart to say it.
Met a man who has the same eyes as me. ive never met another with eyes like mine, perhaps he's a relative of my fathers side. Still, it didnt stop proceedings as usual, and while he certainly thinks highly of himself, i have a regular visitor who puts him by far to shame.
K has been spending far more time overnight, its a little hard to get used to having someone staying over at night but its not... unpleasant. i ought to be careful, ii keep softening around him,i'm going to let myself in for a lot of heartache. Not seen A. he spends so much time away, i think i'm already going to have a few tears to shed. no doubt he's already married.
K told me he'd fucked a gypsy girl that had been fucked by a wolf. its interesting, i might have to try and ...encourage her to conceive a homonculus. i put the idea to K. Maybe, maybe he'll let me take care of it? a sweet, monstrous little demon creature for me to raise. I told him i dont have time for babies of my own, and it near broke my heart to say it.
Thursday, 10 January 2013
8~Little lord David Worthington
HOW DARE THEY!
its bad enough that uncle keeps telling me what i should and shouldnt do, but after mother made him the executor of my estate, he's done nothing but act intolerable. he's arranged for me to marry this... this boy. The younger son of a lesser family, little lovesick puppy of a man. he'll be easy enough to deal with, but the very IDEA that they think they can just go behind my back to arrange such a thing. It wouldnt be so bad if wasnt so bloody smug about it. but he is.
Considered medicating them both, or feeding them to butch. i wont have to worry about all this one day, ah, the sooner the day comes about....
K advised that i have to make my decision. Perhaps it might even be best if i can talk to A. I really hope he'll understand. Good thing i have the skills i learned on the flower boat.
its bad enough that uncle keeps telling me what i should and shouldnt do, but after mother made him the executor of my estate, he's done nothing but act intolerable. he's arranged for me to marry this... this boy. The younger son of a lesser family, little lovesick puppy of a man. he'll be easy enough to deal with, but the very IDEA that they think they can just go behind my back to arrange such a thing. It wouldnt be so bad if wasnt so bloody smug about it. but he is.
Considered medicating them both, or feeding them to butch. i wont have to worry about all this one day, ah, the sooner the day comes about....
K advised that i have to make my decision. Perhaps it might even be best if i can talk to A. I really hope he'll understand. Good thing i have the skills i learned on the flower boat.
7~ The future, moving quickly.
So I've dreamed of Uvall on several occasions. the dreams vary, but i can never remember them. i know they make me very afraid, and i find it difficult to go to sleep. Ive taken to having a lot of opium at night, injected.
A knows about my black magic interest now. he grabbed my wrists and swore and yelled, said he'd give me a thrashing if only he knew me better. i confess, i nearly screamed, such spontaneous violence is unexpected from him, but my interest continues unabated. he's handsome, and even if he screams like that, from him... i dont think i would leave.
foolish, yes. but its rare i get so intrigued in a person.
Some woman, some lords widow decided to insult me in the town square. She insulted me in full view of everyone, Called me a child and tried waving me off, saying " oh, i think she protests too much" when i said that she should know better. Worse still, K sided with her. he said that he told her to act civil, but I'd rather an apology. i know i had done no wrong, And that she was. and yet. nothing. i do admit, im actually quite hurt.
no matter. If Uvall stays to his word, if i see him again, i'll ask him about the potential to... teach her some manners. someone has to.
A knows about my black magic interest now. he grabbed my wrists and swore and yelled, said he'd give me a thrashing if only he knew me better. i confess, i nearly screamed, such spontaneous violence is unexpected from him, but my interest continues unabated. he's handsome, and even if he screams like that, from him... i dont think i would leave.
foolish, yes. but its rare i get so intrigued in a person.
Some woman, some lords widow decided to insult me in the town square. She insulted me in full view of everyone, Called me a child and tried waving me off, saying " oh, i think she protests too much" when i said that she should know better. Worse still, K sided with her. he said that he told her to act civil, but I'd rather an apology. i know i had done no wrong, And that she was. and yet. nothing. i do admit, im actually quite hurt.
no matter. If Uvall stays to his word, if i see him again, i'll ask him about the potential to... teach her some manners. someone has to.
6~ mistake
it didnt work.
well... it did. sort of. something came. but it wasnt sustugriel.
I drank the tea, so i thought for a start i might have dreamed it, but it was weakened, a LOT, barely any in there at all, and the burns on my hands and body....
He of course told me everything i wanted to hear. A duke. 36 legions if the book is to be believed. and he was interested in me. i dont know if i should be flattered or terrified. both..
but to get the things hes promised.... i wonder if i should? i screamed i'd obey him when he was scorching me. i want that power. i WANT it. Need it. deserve it. to be a queen amongst ants....
ive not slept since.
well... it did. sort of. something came. but it wasnt sustugriel.
I drank the tea, so i thought for a start i might have dreamed it, but it was weakened, a LOT, barely any in there at all, and the burns on my hands and body....
He of course told me everything i wanted to hear. A duke. 36 legions if the book is to be believed. and he was interested in me. i dont know if i should be flattered or terrified. both..
but to get the things hes promised.... i wonder if i should? i screamed i'd obey him when he was scorching me. i want that power. i WANT it. Need it. deserve it. to be a queen amongst ants....
ive not slept since.
5~ preparing for sustugriel
The incense i ordered from the city arrived today. it smells a little more bitter than i was expecting, as well as more birds. started to tell uncle theyre for eating, say theyre sweeter than pigeon. lies, of course, i think it tastes disgusting, but at least it holds off any more of his insipid questions. I have the candles too, the grimoire and my knife. The books say the goetic demons tend to come willingly if you dont try to confine them. im not sure that K would approve, but i do have to take a few risks now and then, he did when he called out that hanged ghost.
Still havent seen A. Beginning to feel a little... anxious. i might have to try and see if i can ask someone who knows better to divine out where he is...
not like me to care.
entertaining self with the blacksmith, the writer and the heathen. theyre nice enough, but im a little distracted to mean it. The blacksmith is sweet though, but i think it'd upset me if he knew me as i am.
K told me about the OND representative giving us the go ahead. it will be.. exciting. worrying, to. there will be a lot riding on our efforts...
Still havent seen A. Beginning to feel a little... anxious. i might have to try and see if i can ask someone who knows better to divine out where he is...
not like me to care.
entertaining self with the blacksmith, the writer and the heathen. theyre nice enough, but im a little distracted to mean it. The blacksmith is sweet though, but i think it'd upset me if he knew me as i am.
K told me about the OND representative giving us the go ahead. it will be.. exciting. worrying, to. there will be a lot riding on our efforts...
4~ magickal circle and charm practice
Performed the ritual,drew up a lot of symbols and sigils on the ground. some from the grimoirium verum, others from the book of darkness. Made a blood sacrifice ( dove... symbolic, peace/ purity?) and enchanted my locket. kept some of the feathers to keep inside it, to cement the power to it, perhaps will use the feathers elsewhere, and the birds skull. will be boiling it clean and keeping it for future use.
Will be practicing my amulet making more often i think. might make A one, though that might raise questions. i suppose he'd need to know eventually...
Still, i made a couple more things charmed, and have started keeping my locket under my pillow.
Will be practicing my amulet making more often i think. might make A one, though that might raise questions. i suppose he'd need to know eventually...
Still, i made a couple more things charmed, and have started keeping my locket under my pillow.
3~ its done
I have my answers.
im not sure if i should write it down or not, there have been so many progressions since i wrote last.
C drugged me and took me to the temple. its such a dark, horrific place, so much power in there.. i was cowed by it, i confess, and even when i said my vow to serve nuit, i wasnt sure if i was talking to the priestess or the temple. They stripped me, made me confess my sins. she cut my arm and made me drink her blood, while she drank mine.
C said something i disliked, that CC was the oracle and there would be no other.. that no other demon or dark god would choose me when im bound to nuit. i can find my path, and i am special enough to be a chosen of...something. someone.
K made me a protection charm. sweet of him. Will be detailing the ritual in another entry, magickal circle too. He's a darling, he really is.
I have my focus, too. its supposed to be something powerful, something special. i chose fathers knife. its beautiful, and it still scares me, so much. it will be interesting to explain to him, but then again, we're already close. probably the closest ive got to anyone for a long time, since the poet. i'll have to be careful.
Time to write the articles now before i forget... the Grimoire also arrived. i'll need to start reading it. carefully.
im not sure if i should write it down or not, there have been so many progressions since i wrote last.
C drugged me and took me to the temple. its such a dark, horrific place, so much power in there.. i was cowed by it, i confess, and even when i said my vow to serve nuit, i wasnt sure if i was talking to the priestess or the temple. They stripped me, made me confess my sins. she cut my arm and made me drink her blood, while she drank mine.
C said something i disliked, that CC was the oracle and there would be no other.. that no other demon or dark god would choose me when im bound to nuit. i can find my path, and i am special enough to be a chosen of...something. someone.
K made me a protection charm. sweet of him. Will be detailing the ritual in another entry, magickal circle too. He's a darling, he really is.
I have my focus, too. its supposed to be something powerful, something special. i chose fathers knife. its beautiful, and it still scares me, so much. it will be interesting to explain to him, but then again, we're already close. probably the closest ive got to anyone for a long time, since the poet. i'll have to be careful.
Time to write the articles now before i forget... the Grimoire also arrived. i'll need to start reading it. carefully.
2~ of darkness
Should start writing this more regularly, i need to remember to keep my wits about me. Me and K tried salvia tea yesterday, and oh lord... yesterday was something to remember.
brewed the salv into the tea, and K tried first. he seemed to be acting utterly strange, he started speaking to thin air. When i drank some too, we seemed to share a hallucination.
an african woman, statuesque and beautiful, totally naked and with golden eyes. tried to touch me, and i confess, i was terrified and lost my head a little.. K said afterwards that she was talking to me too, she used my magick name.... though we dont know how much was real.
he said she was called mama giza, from an eastern african tribe. the mother of darkness....
We calmed down and fucked, which was worth the fright. after i'd cleaned up, i met C outside the wildman, and his eyes looked.... different. darker. his hands were cold, and he stopped me from touching the amulet he wore. he seemed more serious than normal, and he said that tomorrow i'd be walking through the darkness, through the wall of fire....
he said i seemed darker. this cant be a coincidence, the mother of darkness, and then C telling me what he did...
i have to go and see him and CC tomorrow... heres hoping i get the answers i want.
brewed the salv into the tea, and K tried first. he seemed to be acting utterly strange, he started speaking to thin air. When i drank some too, we seemed to share a hallucination.
an african woman, statuesque and beautiful, totally naked and with golden eyes. tried to touch me, and i confess, i was terrified and lost my head a little.. K said afterwards that she was talking to me too, she used my magick name.... though we dont know how much was real.
he said she was called mama giza, from an eastern african tribe. the mother of darkness....
We calmed down and fucked, which was worth the fright. after i'd cleaned up, i met C outside the wildman, and his eyes looked.... different. darker. his hands were cold, and he stopped me from touching the amulet he wore. he seemed more serious than normal, and he said that tomorrow i'd be walking through the darkness, through the wall of fire....
he said i seemed darker. this cant be a coincidence, the mother of darkness, and then C telling me what he did...
i have to go and see him and CC tomorrow... heres hoping i get the answers i want.
1~ In the beginning
When my uncle told me we'd be moving to Mortchester, i practically fought tooth and nail to resist it. curse the old man, though, he knows that without him and his trading I'd be poorer. not poor, but... poorer.
I hate that thought.
Now, though, i've spent a lot of time in Goatswood. its a pretty village, but im not here for the scenery. ive yet to find such an outwardly heathen place in this country. Marvelous! the wonderful thing is, the Crawley manor is practically a safe haven. its everything i'd hoped it would be from what uncle had said about the man. Ah, he'd certainly be an interesting paramour, if it werent for the blasted wife.
oh well. it cant be helped.
Secured myself a tutor to aid me in my endeavor. He's an absolute rogue, but a charming sort. Older, but definitely... experienced. im looking forwards to this. he disapproves of my habits, but i think i can get him to approve of some of them.
started my instruction under my tutor. been given a few orders to think of, i need to find myself a magickal name... a name...
I hate that thought.
Now, though, i've spent a lot of time in Goatswood. its a pretty village, but im not here for the scenery. ive yet to find such an outwardly heathen place in this country. Marvelous! the wonderful thing is, the Crawley manor is practically a safe haven. its everything i'd hoped it would be from what uncle had said about the man. Ah, he'd certainly be an interesting paramour, if it werent for the blasted wife.
oh well. it cant be helped.
Secured myself a tutor to aid me in my endeavor. He's an absolute rogue, but a charming sort. Older, but definitely... experienced. im looking forwards to this. he disapproves of my habits, but i think i can get him to approve of some of them.
started my instruction under my tutor. been given a few orders to think of, i need to find myself a magickal name... a name...
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