you know, i think i might have to admit to myself that A isnt coming back.
i wonder if sometimes my mannerisms prevent the people that could be good to me from getting close. Or maybe i should have been more aggressive in my pursuit of him? if i'd have just thrown myself at him, would i be in different happier circumstance now? uvall would know, i suppose....but i couldnt very well ask him. K would disapprove of my using my mirror for such frivolity im sure.
its... hard. awkward. i dont think i quite know how to handle this. ive never had anyone resist me so fervently, and with him just... going. its. hurtful. ive had everything ive pursued before now, i cant.. understand it. i should get back to my studies. focus on being productive instead of weeping into my pillow.
i must be softening in my age. one day, perhaps. perhaps its the dreaded L word sticking into my guts. typical.
This is why i cant stand getting close to people. if i ever let anyone else close again. in my weakened state, i might end up even tolerating the little lordling.
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